Best Websites of the Day - Douche and Riches

Wow. Only one of these has to do with California, and even then only tangentially...but the other is the best thing I have ever seen in my life. Ever. No lie.

Dimitri the Douchebag -- A man from San Francisco with serious ego issues leaves creepy voicemails for a woman he met out. I heard about this guy on the radio on Monday, but thanks go to Rob for sending me the link so I could hear it in its entirety.

Jonathan Lee Riches -- I was trolling Abovethelaw.com today and this guy popped up. He caught my eye because he just filed a lawsuit against Coach K, which I naturally find awesome. Little did I know, his lawsuit against Coach K is NOTHING compared to his other lawsuits.
Some background: Mr. Riches is a federal inmate in South Carolina who is incarcerated due to identity theft. If you ask me, he should have pled insanity because I really do think that he believes this shit. Or maybe he doesn't. It could be a desperate cry for attention. No, he's insane. No one would cry out for attention/publicity in this manner who wasn't insane. Unfortunately there are hundreds for which the complaint is absent or unknown. He's not entirely insane, though, because at least he files the suits in many different federal jurisdictions, so has avoided penalties for filing frivolous lawsuits (at least so far)...and trust...they are frivolous.

My favorite suits:

• Riches v. Joel et. al.: Plaintiff alleged that defendant Billy Joel the Singer is his step-father, and sent him to defendant Vision Quest Psychiatric Facility in Franklin, Pennsylvania. Plaintiff alleged that Vision Quest forced him to sleep in teepees with no UFO radar defense system. Plaintiff also alleged that Italian hitmen made him sign an omerta silence oath, Vision Quest made him travel around the country in horse and buggies like the Amish, and "We Didn't Start the Fire" was in the stingrays head when it killed the croc master Steven Irwin.
  

• Riches v. Jena 6 et al.: Plaintiff sued the Jena 6 for "Loss of My White Rights" and sought $100 million in white gold and the White House. Plaintiff alleged that defendants hung a white noose in his cell at FCI Willaimsburg, told the FCI Williamsburg dentists not to fix his white fillings, fed him tainted White Castle hamburgers, turn his cell mate into Snow White, called him the white Suge Knight, burnt him with Great Whites pyrotechnics, made him suffer whiteouts, gave him white phosphorus, subjected him to low white blood cell counts, and that Vanna White won't write. Defendants also allegedly turned plaintiff into a white collar criminal and sent Whitehouse prosecutors after his white skin.

• Riches v. Beckham et. al: Plaintiff sued defendants David Beckham d/b/a "Soccer Player" and Victoria Beckham d/b/a "Posh Spice" for soccer piracy. Plaintiff alleged that Beckham uses satellite precision guided soccer balls that are remote-controlled by British agent James Bond and Pakistani intelligence. These agents allegedly move the balls into the net after Beckham touches them. This supposedly garners defendant more commercials, a key to any U.S. city, and Iraqi national bank loot, which Beckham kicks back to Buckingham Palace. Plaintiff also alleges that Beckham is an illegal alien that did not have to make a stop at Ellis Island, that Plaintiff suffered lead poisoning from a Mattel soccer ball he received from defendant Beckham, that Posh Spice uses Old Spice, and that Beckham told Frenchman Zidane to head butt him last month.

• Riches v. Guantanamo Bay et. al: Plaintiff alleges that the defendants sold half his brain on eBay, but undervalued it as they only received $4,275 from the highest bidder. Defendants also allegedly stole his identity and used his credit to purchase missiles and gas masks on the international black market. Plaintiff claims that collection agencies keep sending him bills. Judge dismissed the complaint finding that the allegations were baseless, fantastic or delusional.

Seriously, I could list favorites all day. Nearly every one of them with a description is phenomenal. Some of my favorite "defendants":

• Terry Schiavo (twice!)
  
• E. Coli 0157:H7
• No Child Left Behind Act
• Michaelangelo
• The Statue of Liberty
• (843)387-9400 (i have no idea)
• Hurricane Katrina
• The Uniform Commercial Code
• Benazir Bhutto
• Roe v. Wade

Also, he apparently hates O.J. Simpson. I've lost count of how many times he sued him. Other trends: he doesn't like Pakistan and you're really not a celebrity unless you've been sued by Riches. Seriously. All the good ones are. Apparently a federal judge in the Northern District of Georgia has had enough and barred all future suits.

Okay, if I don't call it quits now, I'll spend more hours on this than I already have, and that would not be healthy.

Final Note: Jonathan Lee Riches gets out of the pen in 2012. Anyone want to start a pool on how long it takes for him to get sent back? Or get his own realty show?